i looooooooooooooovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeee heath ledger in joker character idk im a creep

when i get really upset about something, i just eat and eat and eat. i cant help it. my mom does it too. today my mom got really upset when she was on the computer and i was reading and i was like what? whats wrong? and i figured out that she'd seen that my stepdad was talking to his ex-wife on the phone for like 40 minutes when he was at work yesterday. my moms erally upset since she doesnt barely get a word in edgewise: hes apparently always at these meetings at work and cant talk, he comes home and watches tv and tunes everything else out completely, and then goes to bed. same thing every day. well, since shes found out all this, shes really upset and going around the house like pointing out things like thats mine, i bought that, thats his he can have it. my moms never this messed up, im really confused idk. rick, (my stepdad) is more of who i consider a father than my biological dad, i love them both, but rick is more like my dad. if my mom is gonig to let something this little ruin her marriage with him?? i guess im ignorant when it comes to the complexity of marriage. but its all bothering me so i resort to eating. i cant stop, ive eaten so much today. please, some support from someone.

today was not so good. i ate 2 small meals today and i felt horrible. i ate kind of a lot today. so i made myself throw up. it was the first time it actually worked. i had tried it before but i could never do it. i felt horrible i read that if you drank mustard powder dissolved in warm water it would help but god i do NOT recommend that. anyways, i threw up a good number of times and now i just dont feel good. i mean, i feel better because i dont have all that food weighing me down, ready to fatten me up but i still dont feel great. whatever i just want to get this over with.

welllllll today it begins. it started with my struggle since the end of the school year and all this summer of trying to stop eating, but i found out im pretty much addicted to food. this was my little metaphor i guess you'd say: food is my lifeboat when im swimming in a sea of hunger. sure sitting comfortably in a boat eating food (metaphorically speaking) makes me happy, but all its doing is making me eat more and gain more and more weight. til i am the way i am now=FAT! now when im 'swimming around', it takes a lot of self-control to not 'get into that boat'. while im 'swimming to shore' (shore=self being thin) i avoid climbing into that boat, thus, not eating, THUS, lose weight. ta da. aint life dandy. well idk about anyone else but it sure as hell motivates me. anyways, as i was saying, i'd tried to stop eating to lose weight for a couple months now, but its extremely hard for me, finally after much procrastinating, i went school clothes shopping with my mom, hadnt lost any weight, and thought i was still a size 5. silly of me, eh? well i went into the dressing room and whaddaya kno, the clothes didnt fit. but ya kno, i bought them anyway, because they were hot. so i was like shit, i wont be able to wear those unless i lose the weight, so i started my small-glass-of-gatorade-and-3-cubes-of-cheese-twice-a-day diet. im promising to the world to stick to it, and to lose the extra 5 million pounds of flab hanging over my pants. im going to look like a hottie this year, idc what it takes...obviously.